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My point is while you may be thinking about eating, your wife is thinking about the whole ritual of the day, the romance of the gathering—connection, beauty, and light. The setting, the build-up, the relationship all work together to make the moment work for her. Women complain to me in therapy that their husbands never call when they’re at work. Compartmentalizing works for you when it comes to sex because you can focus and enjoy, but it works against you when it comes to providing some forethought to the moment. Usually this is unsatisfying to men because they want a responsive partner.

Flowers sitting on the counter provide relational constancy for a woman. When you hide the ball behind your back and your baby remembers and tries to find it; he has achieved object constancy. Relational constancy means we feel secure even if our partner is absent or preoccupied. Almost every woman I’ve ever talked to thinks she takes too long. Her hormonal funding of testosterone, a hormone in both men and women that governs physiological craving for sex, can be as low as 100th of yours.

Those discussions should take place outside the bedroom.

The difference between a professional massage and a husband’s in-front-of-the-TV-back-rub are pretty stark.

Reassure her of your own boundaries so that she will relax.

Last modified 01-Aug-2018 20:09